Being More Than Me
AURA
In the past year I became a single mother to a beautiful little boy. The event was unexpected. I was fortunate though; that my boyfriend left me early on. It was so much easier. But the point is; my family was outraged; they had ‘lost face’. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, it’s when you lose honor or social integrity. My mother never let me forget it either. She kept telling me over and over; how she couldn’t show her face at church and so on.
My father had accepted my situation when I told him straight up that I was keeping it (the baby) and if he didn’t like it he could suffer in his own stupidity. (Now you have to understand, I’d never spoken to my father like that in my life. And now understand that when I stood up for myself in this situation, I had shown him that I was grown up enough to handle it. So therefore he was happy for me.) My son was born 24 Dec 07 at 7:30 am. After three hours of hard labor and 12 hours of getting there, I was relieved to see him. It would take many months before I was able to see something that had been calling out to me for years before.
As a teenager I spent several years learning Wicca. I enjoyed it immensely. But my family was terrified; I was still young then and believed they had my best interests at heart. So I did as they “demanded” that I do and quit. I sold all my books, materials and they confiscated my BOS. It wasn’t until I was doing a paper for my degree that was reintroduced to Wicca. As I read the book assigned to us; I was reminded of all the wonderful nights I had spent in mediation under the full moon’s silver glow. Of the sense of unity with something far bigger and wiser and powerful then myself I was reminded of who I used to be. In that one instant, I realized that I had lost my sense of self. My identity. It was it wasn’t my name that defined me or even my family’s social status. Who I was, was locked up tight inside my heart; where she had been put all those years before. I had become so trapped and pushed into being this ‘other person’; the one everyone said was sweet, innocent, gentle and a good-girl. But it was nothing more than a clever mask I had worn to keep those close to me happy.
As I thought about it; I realized that, although I had lost myself; I was still in there somewhere. I tried very hard to pray my way into awareness, asking God to help me and guide me and show me how to do things. I asked my friends, my pastor and even my family. It soon became clear to me that although I was accepted and smiled at, I could always feel this coldness. I could feel that the smiles were fake; the hearts closed and a definite sense of “Go Away”. It was then as my impressions became clear that I saw that no one wanted me around. I had betrayed the Christian faith. It wasn’t until I was sitting with a friend; and I heard very clearly in my mind, “Traitor, we don’t want you here.” I was startled and asked if she really felt that way. She had no clue what I was talking about. I explained the words and she insisted she hadn’t said anything. Perhaps she hadn’t; I only know what I heard and what I felt was truth from her.
So I decided then and there to find a way to leave behind the guilt; shame and suffering. In my heart I knew these emotions weren’t right. I hadn’t done anything criminal and I loved being a mother. So I was conflicted in what to do. I couldn’t break away like a ship sailing into the horizon. My family was and still is key to me. But I knew they would not understand my feelings. In their eyes I had done something criminal.
I managed to find several wonderful websites about Wicca. That reconfirmed for me the beliefs that had once made me so happy. I went to second hand bookstores and found a few books. Secretly I read them at night; when my son and family were asleep. I joined on-line discussion groups, an on-line mailing list and various groups. I even went so far as to secretly buy items online. When they arrived I rushed them off to my room and hid them away. After all this had been done, I read an article. Witch: the Stigma of the word. And as I read it I realized that I was doing an injustice to my beliefs. I was letting the fear of others control what I did. Just as I had always done. And that wasn’t what the Mother Goddess wants for any of us. I spent the night in meditation, and heard a gentle voice whisper, “Don’t be afraid, I will keep you safe.”
The next day I donned my pentacle necklace and triple goddess bracelet and boldly faced the day. My family commented on the lovely new jewelry. But there was no staring, no inquisition. I followed the morning routine; and arrived at my son’s daycare. The usual people were there and greeted me. As I was preparing to leave the daycare another mother stopped me and leaned in. She whispered, “It’s so nice to see a sister here.” She winked at me and I noticed the small pentacle charm on her bracelet.
As I left the daycare and arrived at school I was afraid for a moment. But the whisper came again; and in that moment I felt strength like I had never felt before. I knew I could walk the halls and be proud of myself. And sure enough, I managed to make it to all my classes and no one stopped to stare or point. There was no shouting at me or open mocking. I was simply another face. A few girls asked me where I got my bracelet. I was more than happy to give them the website address. And realized as I left school that day I was happy for a change. Happier then I’d been in years.
Now I have the courage to wear t-shirts that proclaim “Witch and Proud.” Or such things as the Wiccan Rede and a personal one I had made, “Pagan Parent and Wiccan Woman. Blessed Be!” I still wear a sweater over the t-shirts while at home; because my family is always around and I am not at the point yet to tell them I have re-established my belief system. But they all remark that I am happier now; that I seem more confident and less depressed. Just the other day, my mother hurt her hand while working outside. I immediately grabbed my healing ring and asked if I could have a look. She let me; I was able to help ease the pain and relax the muscles. Turns out she had pinched a nerve while in the garden. I was able to help her. And she didn’t even ask how I did it.
Despite all these things, I am still learning. I suspect I always will be learning. No one can stop learning. But I have been able to reacquaint myself with who I am. I am learning where my strengths lie and how to use them to benefit no just people but animals too. I am able to show my son the world in a more rounded way and once more enjoy the outdoors. There is more to see then just grass, leaves, sky and trees. There is energy everywhere and it’s full of color and life and wonder.
I hope to share this joy with everyone I encounter.
Blessed Be!!
Aura
